BFF or BF?

amNY.com
Kiss and tell: To commit or not to commit
Maura Kelly
amNewYork Dating Columnist
May 22, 2008

After spending years on my therapist's couch wondering why I was never in a healthy relationship, I figured out I had a garden-variety case of commitment-phobia: I was always rejecting guys who cared about me -- without even considering them as serious contenders -- or else pining away for bad boys.

Shortly after vowing to change my ways, I met a guy I'll call Adam. He was handsome, funny, brilliant ... and yet, for some strange reason, I didn't feel the burning in my loins for him. Maybe it had to do with the fact he was off-limits according to my new rules of behavior: He was simultaneously dating three women when I met him, and therefore seemed to be a fellow commitment-phobe. Still, there was no reason not to become best friends with him, so that's what I did.

Then, one spring night, after drinks, we ended up in his apartment for the first time -- and he kissed me.

I backed away, shocked. "Why'd you do that?"

"I've thought about this a lot," he said. "I want to give us a try."

Don't you dare! my gut shouted.

But my brain told my gut to shut up. Maybe the only reason Adam had never committed before was because he'd never found the "right" chick. And maybe I was the one! Maybe this was the way out of my dilemma!

So I jumped in with both feet.

Guess what happened next: A few months later, Adam dumped me. He said a certain je ne sais quoi was missing. I couldn't argue with that -- but, still, I sobbed in his arms. What had gone wrong? This time commitment-phobia couldn't be the problem -- could it? Not when I'd legitimately given it a shot.

After weeks of analyzing the situation (with my therapist, my friends, and -- most crucially -- my laser hair-removal technician), I saw that I'd been so determined to avoid an old, bad pattern that I'd developed a new one: Instead of running away from relationships, I'd tried to force one that had been doomed from the start. For whatever peculiar reason, Adam and I really didn't have chemistry.

Luckily, there was one thing I knew without needing to analyze it: I missed Adam. In fact, I'd been missing his friendship ever since we'd started dating. So after a few months passed, I was getting a haircut near his office when I texted him on a whim, asking if he was up for a drink. He was game ... and one thing led to another ... and now we're better friends than we were before.

I Won't Schlep for Love!

amNY.com
Kiss and Tell: Love vs. geography
By Maura Kelly
amNewYork Dating Columnist
May 1, 2008

A few weeks ago, I agreed to go out with a sexy, smart, successful denizen of the Upper East Side -- albeit very reluctantly. My problem wasn't a latent case of commitment-phobia. Nor was I turned off by his profession, amnesia-inducing though it was. (He said he bought and sold ... something. Everything he said immediately after "I work in finance" is lost.)

No, what made me dubious was the suitor's locale. Not that I have anything against that neighborhood, per se -- I love the museums and the park; even the haughty couture ladies from the society pages don't bother me. The real problem was the subway ride: As a freelance writer, I work from home in Brooklyn, and it would take me an hour -- as well as a transfer at Union Square -- to get to his place on any given night. Even the fancy dinners out and the Caribbean vacations I was sure he'd take me on wouldn't make up for the time and hassle of the commute.

Location, location, location. I know I'm not the only one who factors it in when assessing someone's relationship potential. As my friend Rich puts it, "The extent I'm willing to travel is directly proportional to her degree of hotness -- or my desperation."

Back in the days when I was more of a romantic -- or an idiot -- I myself wouldn't think twice about getting involved in a "long-distance" relationship. Or, at least, I did once date a guy who lived in Astoria when I was in the West Village. But these days, I'm more of a hardened pragmatist. I think it was someone's mother who once said, "It's just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man." And I think it was I who recently said, "It's just as easy to love a guy who lives in Brooklyn as one who doesn't."

I will at least consider a resident of Manhattan, particularly if he lives downtown (which is within biking distance for me) or just off my train line. Theoretically, I'll do Queens -- I do have a car, after all, and the jaunt across the BQE probably isn't too tough. But I think it's telling that the one artist from Long Island City whom I recently dated came to my place five times, while I made it to his apartment approximately ... never. This, despite the fact he wrote a song about me.

Staten Island and the Bronx, you ask? Completely out of the question. Jersey? To ask me to even consider the Garden State -- a.k.a. The Armpit of the Nation -- is offensive. (I grew up there and would never willingly go back.) Long Island or Rockland County? No, no, no. Although when it comes to the 'burbs, it's not just the traveling itself that's a problem -- it's also a lifestyle issue. As my friend Zack points out, "It can be hard to separate the inconvenience from the fact that the person in question actually lives in those kind of places." Exactly. How much could I possibly have in common with someone who has chosen to reside in Westchester?

My point is dating in this city is hard enough. I'm not going to add a schlep to the difficulty. If you live above 14th Street, baby, and you want me, I hope you have a private jet. Or at least a good car service.

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